Harlan is home

So...my son came home today from his two week stay in sub-acute care for treatment of his mental illness. Yesterday we received a conditional diagnosis after two days of testing. Harlan has schizophrenia as his primary illness and PTSD as his secondary illness. When we arrived home his counselor came over to talk with us and do some crisis/emergency planning. Once the visit was almost over, Harlan went to his room to lay down and the counselor shared some information with Chris and I. He said it's better not to label Harlan's mental illness as schizophrenia. It's better just to call it psychosis. He says the reason for this is timing. Harlan hasn't exhibited the signs of schizophrenia over time. He did however say that the people who did the testing for two days probably have a better conditional diagnosis. Psychosis is just the tip of the umbrella and schizophrenia is just one illness that falls under it. Bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder, PTSD, and depression are some other illnesses that fall under psychosis.

I took a three hour nap after that brief meeting and getting Harlan settled in with grilled-cheese and tomato soup. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Now, I am up at midnight worrying about what the days have in store. I guess Chris heard Harlan talking to himself while I was sleeping. I witnessed Harlan sort of having an internal discussion. I know the voices haven't just disappeared. I heard him rapping in his bedroom and I know that is something he does to try and get the voices to silence themselves. I gave him a movie to watch but I don't think he finished it. I am afraid to sleep. I am worried he'll wake up and go outside the door or through his window. I have this eery feeling he's faking how he's feeling. I am also worried about other things. Money, family, my issues with going back to school, homeschooling Harlan, and managing my boyfriends stress while managing Harlan's mental illness and my mental/physical needs. I pretty sure I shared that my boyfriend Chris is bipolar 1 with psychotic features. Chris takes good care of his mental illness. He takes his medication, goes to counseling, and goes to college. He helps me so much and is always supportive. It's also very important for Chris to lead a balanced and structured lifestyle. Managing this with Harlan's new psychosis isn't easy.

I have so many worries I lock up inside, avoid sharing, in order to lessen everyone's stress and worries. I communicate most of it to Chris in chunks. I haven't been reaching out to certain friends who haven't even spoken to me since Harlan started getting sick. I pretty butt hurt about a couple of them. They never seem to contact me. Busy lives, a lot going on. I usually am the one to make first contact. But, I have given up on those relationships. I need reciprocal involvement. Support. I desperately need girlfriends to hang out with. I feel so alone in that respect sometimes. My counselor called out sick today and I was so looking forward to talking to her before going to pick up Harlan. Instead, I went to Chris's counseling appointment with him. I felt bad afterwards for talking too much and taking up his appointment. Maybe even getting too involved with his discussions with his counselor. I don't think I am going to attend his appointments anymore. He needs that dedicated time as much as I do. Eventually, we will have family counseling appointments too.

I am anxiously awaiting my tax refund so I can start my makeup business. It will be slow but it will get off the ground. I am just going to have parties and sell to friends at first. I need to raise capital to have a manufacture make my makeup and package it for me. Then, I can work on distribution to retail locations. I will also sell to local, independent stores eventually. I just have to be able to afford things like sales sheets, marketing stuff, flyers, display cases, ECT. I might start with our local consignment shops. I think I could make some money at our local Saturday market too. Mainly, I want to share how to make makeup with girls and women. Mainly, safe and toxic-free makeup. Most of the makeup sold today at retail stores is full of cancerous shit.

I also made my first posting on craigslist to have a workshop to help people go back to college. I will have all sorts of helpful information about financial aid, scholarships, local services: foodstamps, TANF, unemployment, and emergency services, daycare for parents, how to pick your college, degree, classes, and how to save money on textbooks. I am only charging $130 per person for two days and that includes materials. I have to enroll at least 5 people into a workshop to start it. Through this process, I am going to write a small but helpful book on how to go back to school targeting mainly the nontraditional students. I am excited to get my ideas off the ground. This will help me with the day-to-day stuff and give me something to fulfill my personal needs.

Thank you everyone for reading my blog!

Love,

Jenny