What's the point?

I woke up feeling extremely demotivated today. I had to force myself to make breakfast, coffee, and reluctantly took a shower. Thankfully, the only true peace I found today was in the shower. I stayed in there for a while just enjoying the calming feeling of the hot water. The science behind the idea that your brain loves the hot water is spot on. That's why we get so many great ideas in the shower. I was able to get through cleaning the house. Once that was finished, I felt worthless. The icing on the cake is when the toilet overflowed after just cleaning the bathroom. I soaked it up and put the dirty towels in a bag and through in my towel. I went to bed for three hours. What else did I have to stay awake for? That was my mindset. I didn't have anything to do. At least that I wanted to do. Chris was playing games online, Harlan had just woke up from his nap, and dinner wasn't for a few hours. I was useless.

I woke up in a panic. Late for dinner. Late for picking up my friend for dinner. Finally, late for grocery shopping with my other friends. I got that all accomplished. I made my fried chicken like I wanted to and everyone enjoyed it. I took my friend home and helped Chris with his homework. I read a little bit more of my book on schizophrenia. Harlan went to bed no problems tonight. He's been really good all weekend. I anticipated a nightmare of a weekend and it's been too quiet. I have a bunch of stuff to bring to the consignment store tomorrow to sell. I am finding free stuff on Craigslist and turning around to sell it at my local consignment store. Money isn't coming in anytime soon and we are down to $10 which will probably have to go into gas and laundry.

I am 35 and I have no savings. My credit is shot. Yes. I am feeling like a bum. I have all these grand plans for making money my way. They feel a little out of reach right now. I want to start making my own makeup, I want to consult on how people can go back to college, and I want to go back to school. Right now, I want to sleep and drink coffee, smoke too many cigarettes, and complain on my blog. I need inspiration. No. Motivation. I feel like I have no individual purpose. I have plenty of purposes to fill for other people. Just now my own or they are so far out of reach I am about to give up. I am not the kind to just give up though. Tomorrow is another day. Another start to a new week. I have my to-do list. Not much is for me. If you know what I mean.

I am taking a deep breath. I am hopeful. I just feel stuck right now. I am really going to try waking up to walk in the morning. Week after next, I have every intention of going 30 days sugar-free. No added sugar or refined sugars. I want to get back in shape. I might start yoga. My flexibility is awful and pathetic. I hate the way I look and feel. Blah!

Love,

Jenny