Weekend of Knowledge

I went to visit my son for the first time at Albertina Kerr in Portland. He is in a sub-acute facility getting help for his recent schizophrenia diagnoses. I was hoping to spend some quality time with him. Instead, he was experiencing one of many paranoid hallucinations. I had to learn to go along with it and just be supportive and listen. In the meantime, my thoughts were racing, I was scared for my son, and just wanted Harlan back. He wouldn't eat his food and kept going in and out of listening to his voices. The number of voices keeps increasing and his desire to make the voices happy are worsening. The counselor and doctor had already left for the weekend and I was asked to leave by my son because he needed the lay down before free time. I hugged him and held my tears in.

Saturday, Chris and I attended a workshop with Polk County Mental Health's EASA program (Early Assessment and Support Agency---I think that's what it stands for). We spend four hours learning about psychosis, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Dr. Soto, Harlan's doctor was very informative and provided great detail about how psychosis works and how medication alone isn't the answer to responding to an early psychotic break in a teen. My life, Harlan's life, and my whole family's life will involve intense therapy seasons, family counseling, medication management, lots of patience and understanding. Right now, I am trying to stabilize myself  emotionally so that I can pull everything together before Harlan gets home.

One of the uncertainties I face is when I will be able to work again. Harlan might need me home for months before I can leave the house to bring in income. We will start the process to apply for social security disability but that takes months. I got approved for a whole $122 a week in unemployment insurance. My tax refund is delayed because of education credits and the IRS isn't accepting those types of returns right now. I do have a job interview tomorrow with the State of Oregon but I don't know if I should accept the job even if I get it. I am scared about money issues.

I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and have all this change be a terrible nightmare. I know it's my reality but I am just not prepared. I like to be prepared. I want to go back to school and finish my bachelors degree but I owe my college $1,000.00. I hope I can pay that off soon and this way I will be able to start my masters by September. I can take most of my classes online and be home for Harlan. Then, I can start putting together my business ideas for educational consulting and making makeup at home. I just have no energy, no drive to start anything. I don't even want to clean my house today. Pathetic. I know.

I am going to clean today, to some research on business planning, and take a warn shower. I want this blog to be part of my recovery plan. Just writing these thoughts out helps a lot. I need one goal for today. Just something I can feel good about at the end of the day. I will find one topic to blog about. I want this topic to involve starting my makeup business. I have a checklist I wrote out a couple days ago. I will make a list of supplies today for making eyeshadow.

Talk later!

Love you all,

Jenny