Today I woke up early to go to DHS and recertify my foodstamp and medical case with the state. Then, I proceeded to the unemployment office to register in their database to look for work. This is a condition to receive my $122 a week in unemployment benefits. By the end of those two appointments, I was feeling absolutely worthless. I came home, took off my clothes, got into pajamas and went back to bed. I have no job, no money, and I relying on the state to put food in the fridge and a little money to help pay rent. Less than two weeks ago I had a job with Wells Fargo and was one step away from my own healthcare and benefits package. I feel like my world is upside down. I am blessed and thankful for foodstamps and state medical. There is no way I could afford the treatment or care Harlan is receiving right now.
I just want to be productive. I want to bring home a paycheck and feel useful. I am accomplishing wonders for Harlan right now. I just am so tired of the phone calls, appointments, and mostly the constant repeating of Harlan's story of how he got sick, his conversations with voices, and everything else. Up until ten minutes ago I didn't even plan on getting out of my pajamas to pick up my mom from the train station. Then, I got a phone call from Harlan. It was the first time in weeks we talked and he wasn't begging to come home or calling me names. It brought me peace and hope. Today he started a new medication. Ambilify. They took him off seraquill because it wasn't working. Harlan was refusing yesterday to try the new meds but today I found out he did. I am so proud of him. His counseling, Sara, said it's still looking like 2-3 weeks before he comes home.
I hope I can find a steady income source and get Harlan's room fixed up before he returns home. I looked online today about applying for social security disability for Harlan and took one look at all the information required on the forms and said "No way! Not today." I am going to reach out for help from his counselors and doctors about doing that application.
On a lighter note...I did start my business plan last night! I also did a bunch of brainstorming on how to market my makeup line. I am excited! I am using the website enloop.com for the business plan and signed up for a free trial on Quick Books to see how that helps set my business up. Today, my goal is to get through some more of the business plan. My mom is visiting for the next couple days and needs me to drive her to see Harlan and I need to go see him too.
All in all I was illuminated today by just one phone call. Hearing my son's voice and his kind and compassionate words today healed my soul. Yesterday he told me not to visit. Today, he said he couldn't wait to see me tomorrow. I have faith and hope that my life is headed in the right direction even though things seem crazy right now. I feel a sense of accomplishment amongst all this chaos that is almost calming and terrifying all at the same time. Is that even possible?
Love,
Jenny
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