Thinking Back

I was cleaning Harlan's room today, getting ready for him to come home in 2-3 weeks, and I noticed the nails around the window. When Harlan was home and he was getting sick fast, I nailed a sheet up hoping to prevent his escape through the window. He was escaping 2-5 times a night. Chris and I were manning the door, listening for him trying to go through his window, and getting absolutely no sleep. Even with the nails and curtain Harlan got through his window. This is just one example of how defense mechanisms just don't work with coping with schizophrenia. It got to the point where we just had to wait for Harlan to be outside and then get him inside. In his mind, nothing could stop him.

He is doing a lot better. His doctor is slowly tapering him off seroquill and has started ambilify. I went to visit him yesterday and he got a three hour pass to leave the sub-acute facility. Chris and I took him to McDonald's and we wanted to take him to Wunderland. Harlan just wasn't up for it. We got 45 minutes with him and then he wanted to go back and sleep. I was sad but he was the best I'd ever seen him. We hugged and he headed back to his room. A room I've never seen. I can't even imagine what it looks like. I just want my son in his bedroom. I don't even care if I have to man the window 24/7. I miss him.

Soon, he will be home. That's all I want. I know there will be lots of doctors, counseling, and other appointments but I don't care. I will do anything and everything to help my son. I have some tough decisions to make before he gets home. I have my second job interview with the state of Oregon Tuesday, another job interview Monday for some mortgage company, and a part-time demonstration job for Safeway that looks promising. Money is going to run out soon. Should I try to work and rely on respite and day treatment facilities to watch my son? Should I invest in making makeup and try to profit quick? Can I make my tax refund last four months before I can start my MAT (Masters of Arts in Teaching)? Will I get approved for $122 a week in unemployment? Will Harlan's dad ever pay child support or even pick up the phone to see how his son is doing?

My days are hectic, my nights sleepless, and my thoughts are running ramped. Some of my friends I would hope would call me haven't. Others just treated me awful when I visited because they are so wrapped up in self-loathing. One, I am so disappointed for not calling I just don't know what to think. I just need friends. Especially girlfriends. I love Chris. He is always there for me. Today, he cleaned the house, helped me throw away a ton of shit we didn't need. We are making room for our new couch and Harlan's bed that is being delivered on Monday. I was able to get a voucher from my DHS caseworker and they didn't cost anything. Now, we just need posters and I need to hang up his decorations. I really want to get him this $30 U of O comforter before he gets home. Lastly, a game console of some-kind.

Thinking back I have fucked up a lot. I am working on forgiving myself. At the same time, I feel awful about myself and I am gaining a lot of weight, smoking too much, and not being productive. Can I stay home without losing it?

Love,

Jenny