I woke up at 7:30 am to go to my state job interview. My second interview. Even though I knew I couldn't accept the job, I was going away. Part of the reason was a just wanted to know if I was going to get offered the job, the other part of me wanted the job, and finally I was worried if I didn't go, I wouldn't get my unemployment. 8 am rolls around, I am still in my PJ's having coffee, and thinking about how inevitable the outcome is this opportunity is. I cannot work. Period. I have to be home for Harlan. I called and canceled round two of my interview process.
After I made the phone call, I was a mess. Thoughts began to race through my head: what am I supposed to do for money? How am I going to be able to stand being home all of the time? Did I really just spend almost five years in college to become a data entry specialist for the state? I started to get really hot and feverish. I could feel my body burning up and my face was tingling. I think I almost broke out into hives. I saw this happen to my mom before. It's awful. I tried to calm down, got into looser clothes, started cleaning, preparing dinner for tonight. My face is still a bit numb and tingly.
Harlan just called. We found out yesterday that he will probably get to come home this Friday. I am happy and terrified all at the same time. I feel so secure in his safety when he's at Albertina Kerr. He can't escape, the doctor and counselor monitor his medication, and these professionals know what they are doing. I just hope when he returns that I can keep him safe, monitor how meds are working or not working, stabilize his environment, get him back to school (even if it's just home school), and just enjoy his company. Every day he is better. I got him a new bed, Chris and I hung up some decorations on his wall, our neighbor gave up a glass side table we can put next to his bed, and when tax money comes I am going to get him a few posters, a desk, and a smaller t.v. stand. Hearing his voice helped a lot.
I think it's time to veg out on Vampire Diaries. I just subscribed to Hulu Plus and I love it! Chris and I are almost done with season 2 of The Walking Dead. I need mental distraction for awhile. I am thinking about starting to read that book I got about a boy with schizophrenia. I am interested and skeptical about how it will help or if it will just make me feel worse. I need to stay informed. Tonight I am going to my first family support group at Polk County Mental Health for families with children and loved ones who are bipolar or have schizophrenia. I am not sure if I already mentioned this, but my boyfriend is bipolar. So, these meetings with have a two-fold advantage for me. Chris is very functioning. Mental illness isn't a death sentence. It just takes a lot of dedication and persistence to live a healthy and productive life. Having a support system is one of the most vital aspects to coping with mental illness. I have my family, friends, boyfriend, counseling, and group therapy. Plus, I have this blog.
Love,
Jenny
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